Feeling Guilty

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Let's talk for a few minutes

I've been wanting to write this blog post for a few days now and I've finally found the time to do so. I wanted to write this blog post about what I've been feeling lately and that is guilty. Guilty is an emotion that I despise, in some cases, I'd much deal with anger or a broken heart but guilt on the other hand, is something that I never want to feel for the rest of my life. And the reason why I'm feeling guilty is due to my blog.

All the way back in 2013 (!) when I started my blog, I would happily spend every waking hour working on my blog. I would stay up late and write up blog posts and think of what posts I could write for the next couple of days. During 2014, I had blog posts going up every single day. Every. Single. Day. If you told me I would have to blog every single day now, I would laugh in your face because I would consider it impossible. 

Back when I did start my blog, I had just finished my second year at college and I spent the whole of my summer doing literally nothing as I didn't have a job at that time although, I was looking. Seeing as I had a lot of time on my hands, I didn't mind investing all of it into my blog and I still stand by the fact that blogging was probably the best hobby that I've started/maintained. During my third year of college, I didn't have a lot of courses and didn't spend a lot of time in college so again, I had a lot of time on my hands and still invested it into my blog (and looking for a job.) 

Once I had finished college, I went back to spending days doing nothing apart from handing out CVs left, right and centre and then I ended up getting a job. The hours I had were good and it meant I could still continue to upload onto my blog whenever I wanted to but also back then, I didn't have many friends. Scrap that, I didn't have any. I considered myself a bit of a loser back then and it was making me miserable. 

Flash forward to the present day, I now do more hours and I'm also in a relationship. Both of these have sort of put blogging to the back and I now pretty much blog whenever I can. Another reason as to why I'm not blogging as much as I use to is also because I feel like my blog isn't going anywhere and I'm kinda cool with it. I knew that when I started my blog, I wasn't going to be the next Zoella and I didn't really want that either, I just wanted and needed something to keep myself occupied during the summer. 

I feel like my blog has come at a standstill and probably won't be going anywhere now. My blog is four years old and if hasn't gotten anywhere in those four years, then it probably won't be going anywhere anytime soon. And I like I said, I am kinda cool with it but sometimes I do feel like it's a knock back when you still have the same amount of followers as you did six months back.

Not that long ago, I wrote a blog post saying about how I was cutting down how many blog posts I was churning out which did sort of take a weight off my shoulders but now, I'm not even meeting that target. I've always liked to plan stuff as I feel like it makes me more productive and I would keep a note of what blog posts I wanted to write in the next few days, I noticed recently that blogging has pretty much become a chore for me now. I don't 100% enjoy it, although writing out this blog post is kinda therapeutic for me. Sometimes it's just nice to get things off your chest and as I get older, I know that talking really does help. It's almost essential for you to get better. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll probably be seeing a lot less of me around here now. I've always said that I would never delete this blog because I have poured my heart and soul into this and it would be an absolute waste for me to just delete this. I'd also feel guilty as well for my younger self who spent her all her days blogging about whatever made her happy. But now sometimes I think "what's the worse that would happen if I did delete my blog?" it would feel funny coming out of a routine but give me a few weeks/months and I'd get use to it. 

The main reason as to why I haven't deleted my blog is because of how far my blog has changed and how much I've changed. Even just the thought of my first ever blog theme is making me cringe, ha. And how I would write my blog posts, ew. Oh and what I would write about, double ew (that sounds like I'm saying 'w' haha.)

So to cut a long story short, I've been feeling guilty about not blogging as much but I'm trying to get over that feeling. It's not good for me and there's nothing to feel guilty about. Kyla Delilah is my blog and I have full control in what happens with it and if I want to blog once a month, then I'm going to blog once a month. 

Sorry for the rambling post, I just had to get it off my chest.


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